


The Cannibal Continental

by elvisqueso



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Crack, Freeform, Parody, This won't make a lick of sense if you don't visualize it like the original sketch, Will Graham P.O.V., and well, even then...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 08:18:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1544027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvisqueso/pseuds/elvisqueso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The sun is set.  The stars shine in the sky.  The night air is tinged with anticipation.  And it is time to meet...The Cannibal Continental</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Cannibal Continental

**Author's Note:**

> Re-visiting some of my favorite SNL sketches, I wondered why no-one had made this kind of homage yet. It's a golden opportunity, guys.
> 
> Parody of the classic Christopher Walken sketch, _The Continental_ , which, in turn, is a parody of the Renzo Cesana show, _The Continental._ What can I say? I felt a need to go deeper.

_The sun has set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet The Cannibal Continental._

_[Before the doorbell can be rung, the door flings open and a redheaded woman rushes out.]_

            Ah, don’t mind her. That was…merely my colleague. She was late for an appointment, and had to leave suddenly. Please, come in.

            You know, I was hoping you would call upon me this evening. It is always a pleasure to see your face. Please, let me take your coat.

            Oh? I see. You have only returned to reclaim your misplaced glove. Then, you must go.

            But don’t you see? I would be devastated if you did not join me for a glass of champagne, at the very least.

            Please, your coat…

            Indulge me, I implore you. What kind of host would I be if I did not attend to my own friend’s coat? Come…

            …there. That wasn’t so bad, now, was it?

            Now, about your glove…which you “happened to forget” when you stormed from my house last week. Please, make yourself comfortable on the settee while I look for it.

                        _[He sits as well.]_

            You know something? I think it was no accident. You strike me as a rather deliberate person.

            This glove is merely an excuse, isn’t it?          

Admit it. You find me as interesting as I find y-

                        _[He makes it to the door first, blocking the exit with his frame.]_

            Forgive me. I see I have upset you. Perhaps the truth is upsetting. It’s alright, I can be patient.

            If I move away from the door, will you promise to humor me with light banter, if only for a few moments?

            Yes?

            Alright…

                        _[The second attempt to escape is foiled the same way.]_

            Ah, ah, ah. You broke your promise. That was quite rude.

            I will forget this transgression, as you are such delightful company. But, do not test me again.

            I will find your glove and you will go. But first…

            A glass of fine champagne.

                        _[He pours two glasses.]_

            Did you know that champagne is not champagne unless it is made in the providence of Champagne?

            I learned that from my heroine dealer during my internship at John’s Hopkins.

            Sit, please.

            …

            Forgive me if my hungry eyes feast on the banquet of your…sumptuous pelvic regions-

                        _[He flinches as champagne splashes into his eyes.]_

            Now that was rude.

            You wound me with your distain. Have we not rectified our actions against each other? What is a mere accusation of murder between friends?

            Ah! I see you have changed your mind about the champagne.

            There is something about those delicate bubbles which no one can resist for very long. The drink itself whispering messages of Lo-

                        _[Champagne, again, splashes into his face.]_

            …

            …Throw champagne in my face once, well…shame on you.

            Throw champagne in my face twice…shame on me.

            Very well. I shall retrieve your precious glove.

            If you would, help yourself to some of my homemade ‘salami’ hors d’oeuvres while I look for it.

            You decline? But, my friend, I pride myself on my culinary abilities. I would be absolutely insulted if you did not try one hors d’oeuvres.

            If I manage to find your glove, would you taste just one of my creations?

            Alright, excellent. Now, your glove…

            I must admit, I have acquired something of a collection. This one I found in a taxi cab.

This one belonged to my former roommate’s girlfriend.

            Ah, here. Unless I am greatly mistaken, we have found your glove?

            No? Well, then surely it is this one…?

            Ah, eureka! Dare I say: this calls for a glass of champagne and some homemade hors d’oeuvres.

            That is, if your promise to behave yourself, and deign to throw it in my face.

            …No?

            I see.

            Well, I appreciate your honesty. I suppose there is nothing left to do but return your glove to you so that you can be on your way…

                        _[Instead of merely handing the glove over, he keeps hold of the hand.]_

            Hands can be quite revealing to the personality, you know. Yours in particular. Such fine, strong hands…

                        _[He sniffs at the wrist and is promptly slapped.]_

            Wait! Wait! You forgot your coat. Please, allow me to-

                        _[He manages to hand off the coat before the door is slammed into his face.]_

_Join us next time for another chapter in the life of…The Cannibal Continental._


End file.
